Today was not a good day.
It happens. It is just life… We all have bad days, right? Right. Only, depression leftovers make my bad days B.A.D.
It often doesn’t really show. I just won’t think about eating, and spend all day concentrating on not letting show what goes on in my brain. Doesn’t sound too bad? Of course not.
I am aware I am not the only one having those post-depression random bad days. But not many people know about them. My parents don’t, my friends don’t…. Heck, Chéri doesn’t know about them. Not because I want to lie to them, but because of two simple things:
1- I don’t want them to worry everytime I frown.
2- It is so dang difficult to explain.
I don’t know why “bad days” happen. I don’t know if they are triggered by specific factors. (if so, I can’t wait to find out what triggers them) I don’t know when it will happen either. What I do know, is how it feels.
And it is ugly.
I might start the day in a perfectly fine way… And at some point, BAM! My brain goes crazy and switches into depression mode. It is totally binary. One moment I am ok, the next, I am no more. Just like driving into an unexpected cloud of fog on the highway.
Forget anything planned for the day, nothing matters anymore when “bad days” strike. If I am lucky, I’ll be home, off work and able to just let it pass by. Otherwise, a complicated game of hide & seek begins. I try to hide the teary eyes, and the shaky voice, and I pray to God that nobody tells me anything slightly mean, knowing that I won’t be able to handle any minor mockery.
I feel stupid, knowing very well I have abolutely no good reason to feel blue. And I do my best to manage the uncontrolable dark thoughts. The “funny” thing being that I know dang well they are irrational. The ultimate heart VS brains fight. I just feel like dying, while I know the next day I’ll be happy and bubbly again.
It is like having a leg cramp, only in the brain. You know it isn’t dangerous, you know it’ll go away, but you don’t see it coming, and it hurts like Hell anyway!
“Bad days” are exhausting. They suck energy out of me like a leech. It is incredible how having dark thoughts and fighting them can be tiring, even if you spend your day doing absolutely nothing else. After one “bad day” I often wonder how I could make it through months of severe depression. I am impressed that my body could support the constant stress. Looking back, going through this whole series of “bad days” was a miracle.
Today I was lucky. No. Luck had nothing to do with it. A dear friend shared my “bad day”. I usually hide from people when they happen. Because I know I can be straight forward when I don’t feel well, and “bad days” can be scary.
But my friend stayed and asked questions I was never asked before. Probably because I don’t usually talk about not being well. Because I am worried that people will get worried, and look at me differently. But he didn’t. He just asked simple questions, caring but not being sneaky, calming my tears, and even making me smile at the end of our conversation.
Now, I feel better. I am shaking off the bad thoughts left on my mind, and I have a bad headache, but the worst is behind me. I decided to talk about it, in case someone would also be going through that kind of day, passing by and feel better knowing he/she isn’t alone.
I don’t seek pity. There would be no point in doing so, since I’ll be just fine tomorrow mornning ! I just hope it can help someone in some way…