No, not that way! I am not depressed or having dark thoughts… But the recent death of Chester Bennington, singer of the music band Linkin Park has provoked a tsunami of grieving among fans… I wasn’t aware I had so many of them in my surroundings, and I was surprised to see how much the man’s passing was affecting his supporters.
I’ve read countless posts on all social medias, and the different reactions to these messages. Of course, it has put forward all the questions around the subject of suicide, and mainly the big bad “why?”.
Now, I know I am walking on eggshells here, so I just want to point out to anyone who’d be tempted to take my post too seriously, that I am not a doctor, a psychiatrist or a professional on the suicide matter. I’m just talking about my own experience, and giving my own opinions.
So, the big why… Why oh why? He was so young, he was wealthy (I presume…), he was popular… Why take his own life?? And we’ll most probably never know. Life just becomes unbearable for some of us, at certain points of our lives… It’s in our head, hidden somewhere behind the curtains of our mind, ready to jump on us.
Some (lucky) people will never experience this mal de vivre. Some, like me, will go through it, and live to tell… And some won’t make it through. Some poor, lonely, sick people will never even consider death. And you have men and women who seem to have it all, and yet pull the plug when you least expect it.
What’s the difference? I am guessing luck, or fate, depending on your believes. What I do know, is that when you get that pain of living, it seems like nothing will ever be right again. Everything is darkness, ache and despair. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no end of the tunnel, period!
When I considered dying as a solution, it wasn’t a solution… It was the solution. My best friend couldn’t have convinced me that things would get better. My boyfriend couldn’t have either, if I had had one back then. I firmly believed that I would do the people I love a favor by leaving this world.
I’ve lost people close to me to suicide. I consider they were neither brave, nor cowards for it. To me, taking your own life is not an act of courage, because it is not a choice, in the state of mind that you are experiencing. And for the exact same reason, it is not a sign of weakness, since you see no other way out. I just think it is sad that they had to leave in such a moment of vivid pain.
Unlike many, if not most people, I don’t wonder why anymore. Because it would be useless to know the exact thoughts of that loved one at the worst moment of his/her life. I don’t believe it could comfort me in any way… I am guessing it would just add to the already useless guilt the family and friends experience.
That is also something I’ve come to put behind me. The guilt. The terrible guilt coming with all the “what ifs”… What if I had paid him a visit? What if I had been more attentive? What if I had read the signs?
The last person I lost that way was a very close friend. I had met him maybe a week before he lost the battle against himself. Of course, when it happened, I couldn’t help but have those questions popping in my head. But looking back, I realized that there was no way I could have interpreted the slight changes in his behavior and read his distress. And once gone, guilt would only hurt me. I made my peace with not having him with us anymore, not meaning that I don’t miss him dearly still!
Another common feeling is anger. A lot of people get angry at the dead. I understand that it is just natural at first. That person has robbed you of a friend or a family member, after all. But staying angry over time, and holding that “how could you dare?” feeling is as useless as guilt. The only person hurting is you in the end. I’m not saying that it is easy to accept the loss of a loved one, but holding grudges will not bring him/her back.
With this said, I wouldn’t want to give the impression that I take the subject of suicide lightly. It is a very serious matter, and I am always on the lookout to offer a hand if anyone should need it. I have sent messages to bloggers or Facebook friends on numerous occasions, just to make sure that the posts they had published were pure fiction. I am very open to talk about it, if someone feels the need for it.
And if you do, never hesitate to click on my “Get in touch with” page at the top of my blog, and drop me a message… Please do. It goes directly to my email, you don’t have to be worried about anyone else reading your story, or your thoughts… You don’t have to censore yourself, or “spare me” details…. If you need help, I’ll find time to talk to you.
Again, I am no professional. But there is help out there… Plenty of it. I know it is not easy to look for it when your mind is playing tricks on you. I’ll be glad to help you find the right door to knock on.
Also this is just my opinion… My life experience and my believes. I respect that not everybody thinks the same, and I don’t see how we could all agree on such a complex and shaking subject. I look forward to read your point of view on it, if you’d like to share?
I’ll leave it to this for now… Not a very happy post, but life’s not all rainbows and unicorns… A clumsy post too, I feel, but some things just needed to be said… And to my friends and fellow bloggers and contacts on Facebook and Twitter who feel affected by Chester’s death, I feel for your loss, and thank you for making me gather these thoughts that might speak to someone else…
Oh… And here’s a usefull link to find links to crisis centers around the globe! Click here!