I am not big on sharing about myself… On or offline.
I share stories about my past. I share pictures, and anecdotes about my daily life. I share stories running around my head.
But I usually keep all that really matters to myself. The good and the bad, I can’t help it, I am just like that. I am not comfortable with my deeper feelings being displayed on The Internets, for anyone to read. My deepest thoughts I keep for one on one conversations with people who I feel really want to know them, and are worthy of sharing my soul with.
But today I feel like sharing some of the thinking I’ve been up to lately.
I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship. I usually would keep those reflections for myself, but today I think I need to read my own words. To really process my thoughts, and make a real change in my life.
I might have lost a dear friend recently. I say ‘might’, because I hope that person still likes me, and just needs time away to let the dust set. I don’t know how definitive things are, and I am in no rush to find out. In my mind, friendship can survive even if I don’t see or talk to a friend for weeks, months, even years…
As in any relationship, there were ups and downs along the road. Sky high ups, and rock bottom downs…
(oh great, I’m going to cry now… – This was supposed to be a positive post, dang it!)
This person is, without a doubt, one of the people I have been the closest to, in my life. I have the greatest affection for that friend, still. And although I have suffered incredibly from the silence, I’ve never been angry. But I won’t lie, my sorrow is still deep, and things will remain that way for a long time, if this should be a dead end.
The last couple of weeks, I’ve turned a billion questions in my head…
What have I done?
What have I not done?
What should I have done?
What can I do now?
My way of dealing with things, as I used to do it in the past, would be to insist, and plead, and appologize endlessly.
Quite honestly, I have been keeping myself from doing just that.
After much (much much much much) thinking about what I should do, I figured, as much as I can love some people, I can’t make them love me back. I know, obvious, right? Saying it is one thing, try really thinking it! Try having the balls to stand in front of someone you cherish, and tell them ‘what you see is what you get!’ Not as easy.
I might seem like a sweet, fun and friendly girl here… Because I have control over what I post. But I have my fair share of flaws, and not the most endearing ones. Having to deal with that, I can get why some people wouldn’t want to put up with them.
And as much as I know I can be a bitch, I know I am a good person. Not always easy to deal with, but profoundly caring and giving. I have a big heart, and it is genuine…
I’ve figured for myself that that person has made me happier than I’ve been hurt during our years of friendship. All I can do now is wait to see if the good memories and my good side will outweigh my failures…
And if that should be the end of that special friendship, I will have only one regret. That me and that person never got to say ‘good bye’ and part on a good note. I hate to think that I might have to go on with my life, thinking I left a bad souvenir in that person’s mind… After all the good times we shared.
In 2018, I wish to be me. In my most clumsy ways, aiming for my greatest dreams, being as good a person as I can be. Hopefully all that being enough to keep my dear friendship alive. If not, I’ll let go, still sending my warmest thoughts, but I will not pretend to be someone I am not. I deserve to be myself, and that person also deserves honest me.
Finally, though I highly doubt it, if you ever read this, my friend… My door will always be open. Always. No matter how much time might passes by.