Blogging · Me myself and I · Thoughts

Memories…

I don’t talk often about severe depression.

Not because I am ashamed of it, but because I fought so hard no to let it define me, that I prefer not to mention it, unless I feel it can be of any help for someone else. My years struggling with depression are a bit blurry now. Probably for the better. Remembering vividly the long months of suffering wouldn’t do me any good. I consider it self preservation. Thank you, Brain, for that!

Making some research in my Outlook account a couple of days back, I found something I had absolutely no recalling of. Even this morning, I am not sure if I should be happy or sad I discovered it. It is troubling, and disappointing to say the least.

I mentionned once or twice, in The Cove, that I was once engaged to a French young man, in my early twenties. We had what I still consider to be a fairytale-like relationship. We loved each other like I had never imagined possible. He had decided to move to QuΓ©bec, and our wedding was all scheduled, and one day, he broke up with me.

Looking back, I am sure I had a first depressive episode at that time. I wasn’t diagnosed, because I never seeked help, but knowing what I know now, I lived with depression for a couple of years after he left me.

Back to a couple of days ago, I was scrolling back in my Outlook files, when I noticed one that was named after him. I hadn’t paid attention to it in years, just thinking I had probably filed my correspondance with him, back in the days when we were together. Both of us wrote a lot, and our email exchanges were an epic romantic saga.

For some reason, I was curious, and I clicked on it.

In there, were only four or five emails. Dating back to 2008. My heart skipped a beat.

Our break up happened in 2002, and I had no memory of getting back in touch with him after that. Opening the oldest letter in the file, I found out that he had found me through a blog-like journal I then wrote online. He wanted to get back in touch.

I only remember vaguely posting dark poetry, and the overload of thoughts that haunted my mind. I was in the heart of my second depressive episode. Surprisingly, my answer to his first, endless message was very light hearted and positive. I was probably genuinely happy to hear from him, and didn’t want to worry him. I was wearing the mask I wore with everybody in my life, at that time.

But I was pretty much at the peak of my mental pain. And although he wrote a couple of times, after that, mentionning his worries, I never wrote back.

I ignored him, and his concern. And I forgot about our brief exchange.

Completely.

To say that I had mixed feelings, discovering that, would be an euphemism. I was thrilled he had seeked for me, but I was devastated that I had let him down.

I can’t stop thinking about it now. I wonder if I should write a short note. To see if his adress is still good, for one thing. And to appologize and explain what happened more than ten years ago. How could I even explain. I have no memory of it.

I have a feeling that I’ll send him the link to The Cove, if I do dare to get in touch again. If I do so, and if you read this, Micah, know that I am deeply sorry! So very deeply sorry…

I think that only this week, I realized how much I have suffered. Denying my own self of a friendship I wished for more than anything else is the most painful proof of how self-destructive my mind was, back then.

This is not very joyous, I know… But I just had to vent it off.

 

 

 

16 thoughts on “Memories…

  1. It’s like a message in a bottle, never knowing if it would ever be read. I think that it’s good that you found it. As sad as it was to lose him, maybe this will give you some closure.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s pretty much how it felt, when I opened it… A message in a bottle. It was so weird to discover this brief correspondance. I will probably write to him… I have made peace with our break up a while ago, and maybe, with a little luck, I can get him back in my life as a good friend. Maybe Life is telling me that I am ready for that now….

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, Catherine, I am so sorry for the pain you suffered back then, and for now coming across this file of emails… Such a raw emotion to refelct back on.
    If you were to write and see if his email address still worked, me perseonally… I would write that letter to him and explain it like you just have now.
    Regardless of the outcome, at least you could express those emotions you suppressed for so long.
    My prayers and thoughts are with you, Dear Friend! πŸ™

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Than you, Beckie πŸ™‚ Knowing him like I do, I am pretty sure there are no hard feelings between us. Even through our terribly painful break up, I never was angry at him for backing up. I hope I’ll have a cool update to post soon! xx

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Sending you a hug if you are a huggy person. There is not much more to say. Depression takes so much from us and it needs so much strength to get out. Am glad you found your way. πŸ™‹β€β™€οΈπŸ

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Depression is such a ghastly disorder. I suffered from it in my 20s but mercifully it did not continue with me on the rest of my life journey. I hope that can give you hope that the black dogs may not chose to travel with you as you go forward. I give you a big hug too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Anne! I am glad you got rid of your black dogs along the way πŸ™‚ I had my first encounter with them at about 20, then again at the start of my thirties… I got a little scared when I turned fourty, to be honest. But I think I learnt enough about myself to keep them at least at arm’s length! With a little luck, they won’t come back to haunt me again… *Big hugs back!*

      Liked by 1 person

    1. *Hugs right back* Thank you, Marquessa πŸ™‚ I am still trying to decide what I’ll write, but I definately will give it a try… I sure will keep you guys posted!

      Btw, glad to see that the recent heat waves didn’t manage to melt you down, hehehehe

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Cyranny I read this yesterday and my heart was so moved. I wish you the best dear in making contact again. But whatever happens please don’t beat yourself up for not having noticed the email before. I can understand why you didn’t and nothing ever good comes from those “What ifs” that can plaque us so easily! Big hugs! ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Joy πŸ™‚ You are right, ”what ifs” are a plague, and I will not risk one by shying out of trying to contact him… What actually hurt me, in my discovery is that I had noticed the emails (I had moved them to the file named after him) but my memory had completely blocked that souvenir… Which was even worse than if I hadn’t noticed the emails to begin with. But hopefully, this will all end well, and I’ll have a lovely story to tell about it πŸ™‚ *big hugs back*

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  6. Great post here Cyranny. Venting is a great way to get things off from your chest, and writing is a good medium. For that broken relationship, you probably should send him a note. I too send my old friends notes. He probably would say something along the lines of “it happened such a long time ago, do not worry about it”, but at least you get your closure. You also do not know how the situation might have hurt him, so he too might get his closure. Above everything, just stay strong and keep fighting. Also, do not forget to pray to God. God is real and prayers work. God is able to help. Be in a constant relationship with the Lord, tell him how you feel, and ask for his help. A relationship with the Lord begins with faith in the Lord, prayers to God, obedience to the Bible, and a passion for Christ.

    Here are a few bible verses to inspire you:

    The Bible says in Philippians 4:6
    “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done”.

    The Bible says in Matthew 7: 7-8
    β€œKeep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened”.

    God says in Isaiah 41:10
    “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”.

    God says in Jeremiah 29:11
    “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. β€œThey are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope”.

    If you do not yet have a relationship with the Lord, I would strongly suggest that you begin one. There are a lot of blessings that comes from knowing the Lord, and being in fellowship with him. If you already have a relationship with the Lord, that is good, keep believing and working to deepen your relationship with him, and I am sure that he would come through for you somehow.

    If you want to know about God in more detail, you can find further information here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/10/23/a-few-things-that-i-have-learned-about-god/ And Here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/

    May God’s blessings be with you, Amen. ❀ ❀

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