I feel cheap.
I feel cheap, to come here at night, read your comforting comments, write down a couple of things that marked the day, and leave.
Purely and simply.
But if I don’t write a couple of these little details, they might disappear with all the stress. I just might forget. And I don’t want to. Only this late at night do I get to connect with how I really feel inside. When the sun comes up tomorrow, I’ll push it all on the back burner, to help make this new day the best we can… Just in case.
I was at the hospital early Saturday morning. I wanted to be there when the neurologist and Dad’s surgeon would come to check on him. It seems like his brain dammage is now stabilized. Meaning it shouldn’t go worse. Only the way up from now… And Dad is a fighter, I have no doubt he could recover almost completely.
The real problem is the surgery that has to be performed to prevent a next, and possibly fatal stroke. That surgery is a nightmare. Doctors don’t even try to sugar coat it for us, making decisions that much harder to make. I have seen Dad cry only twice: when his father died, and this morning, when I am guessing he feared the most for his own life.
Luckily the next couple of hours went a lot smoother. Dad met his ergotherapist, and the lady managed to make him feel a lot better, by pushing him to do simple things he thought he couldn’t anymore. I am guessing his male ego made him want to impress her. And he ended up impressing all of us, including him.
Add a third to that ”Times I’ve seen Dad cry” list… But for his defence, we were all a bit weepy, even the therapist.
We kept the good vibe going for the rest of the morning. Mom and I even managed to make him laugh wholeheartedly, which felt really good, as you probably guessed.
Have I ever mentionned I have the best, best friend EVER? J came to pick me up at the hospital, a little after noon, and took me to the grocery store. She then dropped me at my parents’ home (and didn’t charge me a dime for the ride, I told you she was the bestest!) where I spent the afternoon cooking a couple of meals for Mom who (surpringly) hadn’t packed up on food for the occasion.
J (AKA Ms Taxi) called to check if I wanted a lift back to the hospital. (I am starting to wonder if she started to read my mind) Yes, you read right, I didn’t beg her to give me yet another lift, she offered to drive me before I even asked. Of course, I accepted her generous offer, and made a mental note that one of my kidneys had her name on it!
Spent the evening with Dad (of course), Mom and little bro. Quietter than the rest of the day, but I think we were all getting tired by then. And Mom had paid for Dad to have cable tv for the night, which magically took a good part of his attention. He said he was ready to go to sleep, but I suspect he just found something he really wanted to watch… I couldn’t blame him, we weren’t much entertaining by then.
We had late dinner at home (Little Bro, Mom and I), both of them went to bed, and here I am…
Considering how 6h am will come soon, yet feeling cheap.