Some people have no filter. I mean, really, no filter. I hate being alone with a person like that, because I am too polite to say I have reached my limit conversation-wise.
You probably guessed I had one of those “please-let-me-just-go-hiding-in-my-happy-place” moments lately. Because you Lovelies are smart people, and you read me like a book! Well, yes I have, and that person would be a serious candidate for a gold medal at the Uneasiness Olympics.
I would’t have been comfortable having this chat with anybody. But just to set things straight and give you an idea of how very unpleasant the experience was, I was minding my own business, spending my evening at the office with the new girl in our department. She is a lesbian, which wouldn’t change a thing, if the conversation hadn’t taken this turn, without the slighest notice…
Her: I had an appointment at my doctor’s this morning…
Her: Yeah… I had to get a Pap test, you know?
At this point, the red flag was already flying high, and I hoped the phone would ring, thus ending the just starting chat.
Her: (obviously not understanding that gynecology exams are not my favorite talking topic, especially at work) Yeah, she’s weird!
Me: …. (hesitation to encourage more details) Oh. Is that so?
Her: Yes, she told me she figured my girlfriend and I were a couple…
(How odd… they go to all the childrens’ appointments together, and don’t seem to make any effort not to look like a couple… Really, shocking coming from this doctor!!)
Her: (notice that I didn’t add anything) She wanted to k now if we had sex!
Me: (Keeping eye contact, but praying for the dang phone to ring!)…
Her: I couldn’t lie to her… Of course we do. And she started asking if we used sex toys!
Me: (RING DANG PHONE…. RIIIIIING!) …..
Her: This was very embarassing you know… But I had to tell her about our strap on!
Me: (WHUUUUUTT?? Ok, God if you exist, please do something… an earthquake, something! Stop her!!!!!) …
At this point, I figured it was best not to express any surprise, since it might be perceived as interest or questionning… Which would certainly result in more details… But apparently, details were on the way anyhow.
Her: I had to explain to her what our dildos were made of, and how we used them, and how the strap on worked… and you know…
Now, I just blacked out. I know she told me who wore the dang thing, but I sincerely have no memory. For real! My brain decided “this is where I press the stop recording button!”
Thanks, brain! You’re quite a buddy!
Little did I know the best part was still to come.
Her: I was soooooooooo embarassed!
Me: (getting back to my senses) I can imagine… Then again, it is less embarassing then telling all of that to someone you barely know, right??
Her: Oh yeah… You’re right, that’d be awefull!
P.S. I wish I had invented this story. I soooooooo wish.