I feel cheap.
I feel cheap, to come here at night, read your comforting comments, write down a couple of things that marked the day, and leave.
Purely and simply.
But if I don’t write a couple of these little details, they might disappear with all the stress. I just might forget. And I don’t want to. Only this late at night do I get to connect with how I really feel inside. When the sun comes up tomorrow, I’ll push it all on the back burner, to help make this new day the best we can… Just in case.
I was at the hospital early Saturday morning. I wanted to be there when the neurologist and Dad’s surgeon would come to check on him. It seems like his brain dammage is now stabilized. Meaning it shouldn’t go worse. Only the way up from now… And Dad is a fighter, I have no doubt he could recover almost completely.
The real problem is the surgery that has to be performed to prevent a next, and possibly fatal stroke. That surgery is a nightmare. Doctors don’t even try to sugar coat it for us, making decisions that much harder to make. I have seen Dad cry only twice: when his father died, and this morning, when I am guessing he feared the most for his own life.
Luckily the next couple of hours went a lot smoother. Dad met his ergotherapist, and the lady managed to make him feel a lot better, by pushing him to do simple things he thought he couldn’t anymore. I am guessing his male ego made him want to impress her. And he ended up impressing all of us, including him.
Add a third to that ”Times I’ve seen Dad cry” list… But for his defence, we were all a bit weepy, even the therapist.
We kept the good vibe going for the rest of the morning. Mom and I even managed to make him laugh wholeheartedly, which felt really good, as you probably guessed.
Have I ever mentionned I have the best, best friend EVER? J came to pick me up at the hospital, a little after noon, and took me to the grocery store. She then dropped me at my parents’ home (and didn’t charge me a dime for the ride, I told you she was the bestest!) where I spent the afternoon cooking a couple of meals for Mom who (surpringly) hadn’t packed up on food for the occasion.
J (AKA Ms Taxi) called to check if I wanted a lift back to the hospital. (I am starting to wonder if she started to read my mind) Yes, you read right, I didn’t beg her to give me yet another lift, she offered to drive me before I even asked. Of course, I accepted her generous offer, and made a mental note that one of my kidneys had her name on it!
Spent the evening with Dad (of course), Mom and little bro. Quietter than the rest of the day, but I think we were all getting tired by then. And Mom had paid for Dad to have cable tv for the night, which magically took a good part of his attention. He said he was ready to go to sleep, but I suspect he just found something he really wanted to watch… I couldn’t blame him, we weren’t much entertaining by then.
We had late dinner at home (Little Bro, Mom and I), both of them went to bed, and here I am…
Considering how 6h am will come soon, yet feeling cheap.
Cyranny's Cove 
I don’t pray, not really, but whatever I do, good thoughts, healing thoughts, whatever, they are with you all. Hugs. Wishing all the best.
LikeLike
you have nothing to feel Cheap for,This is a stressful time for you and your family and if we all can give you some sort of comfort then that is our job done,in times like this,This is what we are all here for to give comfort and to help you through this tough time,Many Hugs and Speedy snuggles,xx Rachel and Speedy
LikeLike
I’m so sorry about your dad, what a difficult time for you all. No need to feel cheap at all, I hope that expressing your thoughts here and knowing that we are all sending you our thoughts and best wishes helps you through this. X
LikeLike
I went through something similar with my dad a few years back – my experience feels like it detaches me from ‘other reality’ during a crisis and all sorts of things are possible, we can do amazing things, BUT … I need to be kind to myself and practice self-care when it is over – coming down, whether it is a good outcome or not so good, can be very very hard. Self care to me often means embracing those close and being there for them … I have a tendency to minimise, I need to understand how ‘big’ something is – it seems so obvious but it feels like an easy trap to fall into. Finally, being cheap – I feel I only have so much, even in a crisis with all the focus and detachment from ‘other reality’ – I don’t have the capacity to manage externalities – just the immediate things and people, I really have to ask myself who is it I really need to be here for and focus on that. I’ve apologised later to people, and they ‘get it’ – if they didn’t, I figure that tells me an appropriate story as well.
That’s how it is to me – its not advice, but it might be of interest. As it seems to me, you are there for the people that really matter – that’s not in any way cheap, its priceless.
LikeLike
I am so sorry to have said nothing of comfort. But I do know how very difficult these times are (but somehow, sometimes magical as well). I have amusing tales to tell of my own parents in their decline (and tales of my own decline, for that matter) but now is not the time. Be assured that I understand what you are going through.
I have little doubt that you are a valuable asset to your family at this time.
Keep yourself well.
LikeLiked by 2 people
so sorry catherine, try to stay strong on the outside, and in private moments let your real feelings out… That’s what I do. Alone I cry for hours… and it does help, if only a little. all my love Dale xxx
LikeLike
So hard to go through this. I feel for you! ❤️
LikeLike
Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts. Modern medicine is amazing and neurosurgeons are miracle workers ❤️
LikeLike
Continuous prayers and positive thoughts comning your way. 🙏 Please make sure you take care of yourself and try to get some rest inbetween. (((((Hugs)))))
LikeLike
Oh darling – please don’t feel cheap! Goodness!
You are so precious…as is your father, all of your family and your bestie – who sounds like a real bestie!
Sounds like you are being amazing for your dad and your mum and your brother.
I am sure you are in for an emotional roller coaster. I hope you find that writing about what you are going through and how you feel helps (I know it has helped me). There are so many lovely bloggers. who although they are strangers, are nonetheless very empathetic and big-hearted and I am sure they will be feeling so much for you and want to do whatever they can to let you know they care.
❤ ❤ ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I could not have said it any better than this comment above! ❤ You are the furthest thing from cheap, Cyra ❤ There is no expectation here from you during this time… just know you are SO supported, loved, and prayed over!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Cheap? Goodness, why?! This is why we’re all here–to support each other when we need to. I’m happy that things have kind of stabilized but you must be exhausted.
LikeLike
Darling Lady. You are a Light in this world and it’s an honour to be in a position to comfort you in whatever small way The Viking and I can. We have no expectations for replies or posts because it’s our turn to send the best of us to you. Your father must be a Light as well otherwise how could you be so….you? Take the time to do what needs to be done, but also take care of yourself. We will be here sending love and light to you and your family. 😔 💙💚💜🧡
LikeLike
No need. I think maybe you mistake that feeling for feeling helpless. But you are helping, being there, supporting, all of it. Good wishes to you all.
LikeLike
You’re not cheap at all, my thoughts are with you
LikeLike