Blogging · Me myself and I · Thoughts

Just thinking…

Cyranny

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I feel like I am drowning….

I work an honest job, but I am starting to feel that it is one-way honest. I do my best, pay my bills, do pay my dues.

Yet I can’t keep up with my dream. Writing is my life, and work is sucking it out of me. I am disappointing people, disappointing readers.

I feel sorry. I should give up, and write more since I need that. But I need the advantages to keep going.

Oh geez…

I am tired of this.

So freeking tired.

 

34 thoughts on “Just thinking…”

    1. I totally agree, Cheryl! I dream about it every day. I think that as soon as I get a little slack, and Chéri’s condition is stabilized, I’ll start checking for a ticket plane deal… If only Wow Air still existed…. *Ugh*

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    1. Thank you, Brett! It is good to read you 🙂 The fact is that I am disappointed with myself, recently, because I don’t have nearly enough time on my hands to create, like I used to do. I am working on this, though. I hope to be back to my old blogging self soon 🙂

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    1. Sorry – the ‘chin up’ suggestion was probably less than helpful.

      I think that I first wanted to write when I was about 14 (or 13 or 15 … who knows? …
      the hormones were really fucking with me about then) and I stand in awe of those who have sacrificed all to pursue the same dream.

      But eating (and drinking!) and keeping a roof over my head have been important too. If such mundane desires have prevented me from winning the Nobel Prize for Literature….then so be it – but I hardly think that to be the case. My ultimate goal is to write one really good paragraph. Once I’ve achieved that I might aim for something bigger. But I am willing to hang my hat on that one paragraph. And it’s always on the tip of my tongue (pen). It will find its way onto the paper in its own time.

      Everybody loves what you do … and you are under no obligation to us – your fans.

      There are lots of us – you have an enviable fan base. But you don’t have to feed us with such generosity at the same time every day.

      Sometimes it’s best to leave us a little bit hungry.

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      1. Thank you Brutus… I think that the word ”fans” is a bit big, but I am aware and grateful for the regular readers of my blog that stay no matter what happens.

        As you said, the bill-paying is a major factor in my problem with keeping creative on a daily basis. I’ll just have to figure which one is more important to me… Comfort or happiness? Tough choice. Life is complicated, hehehehe.

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  6. Circumstances change. I have extremely intense periods in my life where sitting down and writing something would have been impossible. Now my schedule is more relaxed and I find that when I come home in the evening it is often too early to sleep so I can work on one of the many posts in my drafts folder.

    Because sometimes when I have the time, I do not have the ideas and vice versa, when I have the ideas I do not have the time. I have developed the habit of creating drafts and then coming back to them later. It’s working for me.

    You sound very frustrated. It can be hard to keep things in balance, but try to make sure you are doing things you enjoy. I just did something crazy! It’s my last day in my current job today. I did something I haven’t done for a while. I had a mad crazy wierd loopy dance to a song which I remember singing the last time I was at a karaoke with my ex-flatmate Jack. I remember watching me as I pranced around the stage. The memory of him watching me was winding me up…I felt so tense and angry. So it was time to blast that song out and do my crazy dance!

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    1. It was quite a discouraging day, when I wrote this.

      I like you crazy dance idea, and the song fits perfectly 🙂 Thank you for the tip, Caramel! I’ll do a crazy dance everyday, when I come back from work… I am sure it’ll help shake off the day’s frustrations, and hopefully it will translate into better blogging for the week to come!

      You said it was your last day at your job… Do you have another one waiting, or are you taking a little break between two?

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      1. I will have to do some work. But it will be a lot more flexible, (partly sellf-employed, doing one off jobs for clients and partly work through agencies) which means I am free to travel when needed.

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    1. Awww thank you, Candace! I am not much into statistics, but last week, I had a massive streak of un-followings. Mixed with my general fatigue and stress level, I felt really really down, but thanks to you, lovely people, I am rolling up my sleeves and ready to face a new week 🙂 Muuuah, dear! xx

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    1. Thank you, Beckie 🙂 I enjoyed a slow paced, relax two days weekend. My mood’s much better (thanks to you, too!! Muuuuuuah!!) and I am ready to face the next two weeks!

      Let’s just hope my muses won’t take a vacation, LOL

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  10. Speaking for myself, you’re not disappointing this reader. I think some judicious mix of writing (on line) and ‘real life’ is indicated in any case. You just keep on keeping on, and write as much as you can. That’s really all you can do. The job? Is a necessary evil. If you don’t like the one you have, find one you enjoy more. But these days, as I’m finding out to my dismay, any job is a good job because any job is pretty damned rare. Hang in.

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    1. The sad thing is that I like my job. I get well paid for something I am good at. But the unwanted and unexpected training is just too much to take right now, even if my trainee is a nice, clever guy. That, and the overtime (I’m starting a 12 days straight tomorrow morning) are slowly sucking my inspiration 😦

      Thank you for the kind words, Melanie 🙂 The pat on the back is always appreciate! xx

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      1. Well good luck. That training crap often disguises a more unwelcome change to come. I’m not saying that’s the case with your job of course, but I used to do medical billing and coding (working with medical insurance companies to get our medical clinic’s patients’ procedures and visits covered) and I loved the work. Then along came a really nasty woman in the form of a supervisor, who was to transition our company from hard copy (paper) files to the now standard EMR (electronic medical records). I was gone within a year. The training wasn’t so bad, but the idiotic ‘rules’ were. And coding underwent a massive change in America in 2013 and 2014. More idiocy. I’m glad I’m disabled and don’t work now. I could NOT stand that.

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    1. Thank you Irene 🙂 Yes, I think I’ll still be taking care of my trainee for at least one more week. It was supposed to be over, but I have a feeling I’ll get assigned to pursue my training for a little while. Luckily, I had two nice days to relax… I am ready to face the music! *fingers crossed*

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  12. Don’t give up, Sis!

    I started to add, “We need you!” And while that is certainly true, it is a selfish thing for me to say.
    Writing is not philanthropy. In writing, the writer should satisfying herself first, and others second. After all, if you’re not enjoying it, then what is the point? Anyone will stop doing things that do not make them happy doing it.

    We all enjoy your work immensely, but as Richmond Road pointed out so well above, you feed us generously and selflessly nearly every day. We are the selfish beneficiaries of your fantastic writing. But, really, we are not who should matter to you. Write to make yourself happy.

    And I, too, lament that working for a living takes such a heavy toll on my energy levels and decimates my desires to write. But whereas I use that as an excuse to seldom write, you manage to write a great deal, and ,to write hings that are of a phenomenal high quality. Frankly, you have set the bar very high for the rest of us.

    Take a hiatus if you need to, but please do not stop writing altogether. You have a legion of fans who love your work and who love the writer behind the words.

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  14. Disappointed? Not a chance. I look forward to reading your posts, but you have to strive for balance. Write what you can, work when you must. We’ll all be here for you.

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  16. It’s really difficult when your job requires you to use writing skills and you pretty much exhaust it all there; so when you come home and want to get the blog-related stuff done, you come up completely blank. Like school makes reading unenjoyable, work can do the same for writing if your job demands it. I hope the muse comes back.

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