As I lay down, in the back of my pickup truck, with only my coat rolled tight to rest my head on, I thought of you…
The sky was clear, and the city far, far away. I couldn’t even see its glare on the horizon anymore. The sun had set a long time ago, and it was only the stars, their black backdrop, me and the thought of you.
It wasn’t often that I allowed myself to let your face surface. It was just too painful, to let my mind follow the line of your nose, to remember your smile, to sink into your gaze again, even if it was just in my head.
The crickets’ song came from all around the truck, like a Dolby surround effect in the otherwise silent night. I stared at the brightest star, and almost felt the Earth moving, in the wideness of the universe. I felt little… So very tiny, in the middle of nowhere. Yet, somehow, I felt close to you again.
I wondered… All the same questions that you had left unanswered when you disappeared that day. Were you safe, doing good? Were you in the arms of another by now? Did you remember our good times at all? Did you even want to remember?
It wasn’t quite as warm as I had expected, and I regretted not taking a sweater along. Of course, I could always put my jacket on, but the cargo bed was uncomfortable enough as it was, to sacrifice my fortune pillow. I could walk back in the truck too, but that would mean chasing you away, breaking the magic, and I just couldn’t put my mind to it.
Going from constellation to constellation, from memory to memory, I felt a warm tear rolling on my cheek, all the way to the corner of an uncontrollable smile. Mixed feelings hurting me so good, almost as intensely as back then. A physical pain in my chest, making me feel more alive than ever.
How could such unrequited love refuse to die, I couldn’t say.
Maybe it was the unknown that kept my heart lingering… I so wondered if you also had imagined the taste of my lips, when I was nestled in your arms? Had you imagined, had you yearned to hear the soft sighs, your hands could have provoked, playing on tingling bare skin? Did you desire me, despite the oddness of the item we were….
An owl called in the night, almost bringing me to my senses. But my eyes remained focused on the stars above. I didn’t feel the coldness anymore, nature inducing some kind of transe.
Did you love me? There, I finally allowed me to ask it… You weren’t there to answer, but it felt good to free myself in a way. Did you ever love me?
A shooting star crossed the sky suddenly, like an unexpected answer.
I loved you too… I love you still!
Even whispered softly, my words silenced the crickets around. Smiling, I waited patiently for the next running star…