Do you still miss him?
Quite an innocent question, but Jordan knew it was taboo to talk about him. She also knew she had, as my very best friend, the exclusive right to cross that line.
The sun shone bright, and the spring wind was blowing softly on our faces. I took a minute to listen to the birds singing in the still leafless trees of the park, making it a point, that I was reluctant to talk about it.
I did miss him… Very much, still. The years had passed, and though I usually would have let go of our story, the memories of him had lingered on. They weren’t all good, of course, but I felt no need to hold on to the bitter ones. I had only kept the best. Locked in a secret chest, well hidden in the back of my mind. Mine, and mine only to revisit whenever I wanted.
Caw! Caw! Caaawww!… The high perched crow forced me to a halt. Most people would consider the black bird’s presence a bad omen, but it didn’t even cross my mind that it could have any influence on my luck. Just another feathered creature on another branch. Nothing less, nothing more.
We kept walking in silence for a while. Jordan didn’t repeat herself, but her constant glances were a clear reminder that she was still waiting for an answer. Of course I still missed him… Everyday, and every night. I had missed him the moment he had slammed the door on me. And ever since, the feeling had never left me.
They said time healed everything. But they were wrong. I, who was a champion at moving on, had never managed to mend that wound. It had never scarred. Worse, the cut seemed to get deeper and deeper as years had gone by.
I had been good at hiding it, though. Nobody knew. Except for Jordan.
We turned on another alley, and kept walking, side by side. I suddenly felt a rush to tell her we should head back home. I wasn’t ready, not even close to it. I stopped and took a deep breath to refrain a sob.
I wished I could feel anger for the years lost. I wanted to hate him for his stupid subbornness. But it had been a two players’ game, and I blamed myself as much as I blamed him. Had he suffered the least bit from our break up? I didn’t have a clue.
The feeling of getting so close was overwhelming. Maybe I should do this later. Much later… It had been so long anyway. A couple of weeks, hey! A couple of months more wouldn’t make a difference, now.
Jordan felt my hesitation, and took my hand to lead me further down the path.
You do, don’t you? Otherwise, we wouldn’t be here…
She knew me well, and as we got closer, my heart raced, both filled with anticipation and deadly fear. A weird mix of emotions, to say the least. Adrenaline flowed through my veins, and goosebumps ran on my forearms. So close, we were so close!
I think you should go alone.
Jordan was right. And although her presence was reassuring, I felt like I had to do this on my own too. She hugged me tight, and then let me go.
I’ll be waiting for you here… Take your time.
I thanked her, and turned around to continue down the trail. When I took the curve, leaving Jordan’s sight, the first thing I noticed was the flowers. This big bouquet of freshly cut daisies… My favorite!
My last steps were a bit clumsy, thoughts rushing through my mind. And the words slipped from my lips, in a soft whisper.
At long last, we meet again!
Only then, did the horror strike me. As if until this very moment I just couldn’t believe it. Reading his name on the grave before me, I fell on my knees in the freshly tossed soil.
At that precise moment, I understood the meaning of ”heartbreak”.
Now, I would miss him forever.
Via today’s Word of the Day Challenge: Missing