Warning – This is just another piece of my ”Second Floor Window” story. I don’t want anyone to worry. This does not reflect any real feelings…
I’m not scared of anyone.
I’m not trying to be cocky when I say that. I just know myself… And no fear can top that.
I knew when I opened my eyes this morning that going out sightseeing was not an option. Not today. Tomorrow, perhaps, but today would be spent locked in. The first sign that never lied was the feeling of my eye lashes slightly sticking together. I had been crying in my sleep. Again.
I didn’t even bother crawling out of bed, as there was no safer place for me than the warmth of the feathery duvet. I wouldn’t go hungry anytime soon anyway, I just stretched an arm to pull the heavy curtain shut.
You’d probably ask why I don’t just talk about it. Hah! The million dollar question… I did reach to other people I trusted for comfort a couple of times, you know? But I have never been good at describing what was going on, when days like today happened. So I just cried in front of them, and they either got too uncomfortable not knowing what to say or do, or they just got bored trying to tame monsters they couldn’t even imagine. And they left.
So I chose not to deliberately put myself in such a vulnerable position again.
I know it is temporary. But it doesn’t hurt any less to be aware of that. When I felt the beast waking this morning, I curled up in feotal position and I waited. Patiently.
At least, I was alone this time. I tried to find comfort in that thought, reminding myself of the many times I had to face the wave of distress and anxiety when I was with friends, or worst, at my job…
Maybe this time, it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe…
But just as if it had read my thoughts, I felt all the darkness gathering in my stomach, getting ready for the first blow. I pulled the duvet over my head and burried my face into a pillow.
They are right, when they say that you are your worst enemy. No one knows you better than your own brain, and no one can aim at your weaknesses better than your own self. And the somber thoughts started climbing up my spine, scratching me from the inside with their sharp gnarly claws on their way.
As usual, I tried to fight it.
I tried thinking about all the good there was in my life… But it immediately painted every good thought black. I had a great family that genuinely loved me? There’s no doubt you disappoint them, even in your best days… I have a good job? Who are you trying to fool?Your boss openly hates you and the others don’t even lift a finger when I make you tear up in front of them! I am a good person, kind hearted, thoughtful, and pretty smart? You?? Stupid spineless puppet… You’re just a pathetic fleur bleue secretly hoping Prince Charming will come one day on his white horse to slay me. And you know this is not going to happen. If it wasn’t so funny, I’d pity you.
I know tomorrow, this will only be a memory. Still I bite on my lower lip so hard not to break into tears just yet, that I notice the familiar metallic taste of blood on my tongue.
The demons escalade some more, their hands gripping at my ribs to help themselves up. I can feel them squeezing in together in my chest. My breath gets shorter, and rhytmed with long sobs. My heart is not safe anymore, and it unleashes a pack of blood seeking dogs to tear it apart, one more time.
At this point, the mental pain is so stricking that I can actually feel it. I’d swear my flesh is being ripped, and that my bones are being crushed by a thousand of sharp teethed gobs.
I think of past lovers… You’re pathetic, no wonder they all left you!
I think of long lost friends… Unreliable bitch! You failed them all!
Little by little, my own voice faints, and I get tunnel vision. And I know what lies in the dim ray of light left at the other end.
That’s it, useless bitch. Say it!
It’s going to be okay in a while… That’s only in my head!
Say it, stupid!!
I’d swear the teeth are sinking deeper. God, it hurts!!
God can’t help you!! SAY IT!!!!
There’s only one exit, isn’t there?