Blogging · Me myself and I · Thoughts

Confidence…

Cyranny

I am not big on sharing about myself… On or offline.

I share stories about my past. I share pictures, and anecdotes about my daily life. I share stories running around my head.

But I usually keep all that really matters to myself. The good and the bad, I can’t help it, I am just like that. I am not comfortable with my deeper feelings being displayed on The Internets, for anyone to read. My deepest thoughts I keep for one on one conversations with people who I feel really want to know them, and are worthy of sharing my soul with.

But today I feel like sharing some of the thinking I’ve been up to lately.

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship. I usually would keep those reflections for myself, but today I think I need to read my own words. To really process my thoughts, and make a real change in my life.

I might have lost a dear friend recently. I say ‘might’, because I hope that person still likes me, and just needs time away to let the dust set. I don’t know how definitive things are, and I am in no rush to find out. In my mind, friendship can survive even if I don’t see or talk to a friend for weeks, months, even years…

As in any relationship, there were ups and downs along the road. Sky high ups, and rock bottom downs…

(oh great, I’m going to cry now… – This was supposed to be a positive post, dang it!)

This person is, without a doubt, one of the people I have been the closest to, in my life. I have the greatest affection for that friend, still. And although I have suffered incredibly from the silence, I’ve never been angry. But I won’t lie, my sorrow is still deep, and things will remain that way for a long time, if this should be a dead end.

The last couple of weeks, I’ve turned a billion questions in my head…

 

What have I done?

What have I not done?

What should I have done?

What can I do now?

 

My way of dealing with things, as I used to do it in the past, would be to insist, and plead, and appologize endlessly.

Quite honestly, I have been keeping myself from doing just that.

After much (much much much much) thinking about what I should do, I figured, as much as I can love some people, I can’t make them love me back. I know, obvious, right? Saying it is one thing, try really thinking it! Try having the balls to stand in front of someone you cherish, and tell them ‘what you see is what you get!’ Not as easy.

I might seem like a sweet, fun and friendly girl here… Because I have control over what I post. But I have my fair share of flaws, and not the most endearing ones. Having to deal with that, I can get why some people wouldn’t want to put up with them.

And as much as I know I can be a bitch, I know I am a good person. Not always easy to deal with, but profoundly caring and giving. I have a big heart, and it is genuine…

I’ve figured for myself that that person has made me happier than I’ve been hurt during our years of friendship. All I can do now is wait to see if the good memories and my good side will outweigh my failures…

And if that should be the end of that special friendship, I will have only one regret. That me and that person never got to say ‘good bye’ and part on a good note. I hate to think that I might have to go on with my life, thinking I left a bad souvenir in that person’s mind… After all the good times we shared.

In 2018, I wish to be me. In my most clumsy ways, aiming for my greatest dreams, being as good a person as I can be. Hopefully all that being enough to keep my dear friendship alive. If not, I’ll let go, still sending my warmest thoughts, but I will not pretend to be someone I am not. I deserve to be myself, and that person also deserves honest me.

Finally, though I highly doubt it, if you ever read this, my friend… My door will always be open. Always. No matter how much time might passes by.

Always.

26 thoughts on “Confidence…”

  1. I hope that your friend is just taking time for themselves to deal with some issue. I think giving the person time is a good idea, but so would sending a note saying you are there for them could be a good thing too. It is always hard to know what to do in a case like this.

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    1. I will reach out when the timing is right… But in the meanwhile, even if I miss that person dearly, I will not whine and pout… I think I used to be the kind of person who held on and thought that keeping miserable was a way to show I cared. I choose to care enough to respect my friend’s decision in the end… Even if I don’t agree with it.

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  2. True friendship is give and take and I once heard that good friends can go a long time without talking. It truly is the case with my girlfriend in Germany, but in the end we know that we can trust each other with our lives and that we are there for each other. True friendships take work and time. One sided ones will never survive or amount to what we truly need. I know too little about your friendship to say, but your questions do reveal that you have no clue as to why your friend pulled away. You might respect her decision, but don’t you think that you deserve to know the reason? Most falling outs are due to misunderstandings and a person not being a mindreader. feelings get hurt and disappointed and they could easily be remedied through having the courage to talk it out. Don’t wait too long by letting these misunderstandings stick beyond the point of fixing them. Best wishes my friend.

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    1. Thank you 🙂 I agree with you, friendship isn’t about being in constant contact… My best friend and I have lost touch a couple of times for several years, and when we met again, it was as if we had spoken the night before… No surprise we’ve been best friends for 30 years now! As for the friend I talk about in my post, I do hope we get to talk about what happened someday. In a constructive way, just not an arguement. We’ll see… I just hope for the best.

      Again, thank you for your generous comment 🙂 xx

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    1. I agree Tony, I enjoy reading about other bloggers’ lives. I do it a little bit from time to time, but I am not comfortable yet, sharing sur personal thoughts… Thanks for your comment 🙂 xx

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