Blogging · Me myself and I · Thoughts

To death and back…

Cyranny

Depression

I was sitting, minding my own business the other day when I overheard someone talking about depression.

  • Oh yeah, it was terrible, you know…  I was off work for like, two or three months. And I kept playing on my X-Box and I was like “go away mom, I don’t feel like talking!”…

The someone bursting into giggles right after mentioning the oh-so painful period of her life…

I don’t take much time being serious here, because there are a lot of people far more talented than I am in making readers reflect on life. But this time, I had to take a step forward, for the sake of all the people that have been, are or will be suffering “real” severe depression…

I do my best in life not to judge others. But sometimes, I can’t help it.

Depression, severe depression, is not about staying in your pajamas for a few weeks, not really wanting to do anything. I am sorry, it is not.

I have a feeling I might delete this post as soon as it goes public… It feels so intimidating to talk about this kind of things, but I have to try. At least try.

Depression, severe depression is the worst puzzle I ever went through.

I think I am a very cerebral person. I think a lot. All the time. About anything and everything. I think, think, think… Then think it over again, and twist and turn it, and give it a little thought before thinking about something else.

When my brain slipped into depression, it offered itself the ultimate riddle. At that time, the only possible outcome life-wise, was death. (I know, it is every human being’s only possible outcome, but mine, was… hmmm… let’s say imminent)

Depression doesn’t make you crazy, at least it didn’t make me crazy. After being professionally diagnosed by my doctor, and prescribed different medicines, I was sent home with the doctor’s advice not to talk to anybody about my feelings before the drugs began taking effect. I was that dangerous for myself.

I didn’t look depressed for people who didn’t know. I wasn’t bubbly, but then again a lot of people aren’t. I could even pretend to be in a quite good humor if I felt it to be needed. But it exhausted me, and made things even worst when I went back to hide home.

I was looking for any approval to let go. Any. The slightest comment or joke, pointing out how not good I would have been at that time, I would have taken as a proof I needed to end my life. For weeks, my life has been just thinking, crying, sleeping and drinking alcohol. The last part not being a good idea, but the only way I had found to numb the pain a little bit.

So… I started taking the pills. I was allowed to have only a week’s worth at a time, probably to prevent what I did anyway. I took part of it, and saved the rest. Working as an ambulance dispatcher, I had some notions the usual John Doe doesn’t have about effective and “clean” suicidal methods, and I got prepared.

It took me some time to gather what I needed. Showing that deciding to commit suicide wasn’t a spontaneous decision. Oh no, no, no. No Sir, and no Ma’am.

I thought about it a lot. And here is the ultimate puzzle I talked about… For me, depression proved to be the most selfish AND selfless period of my life.

Selfish, because I just wanted the pain to stop… My soul hurt, and over time, not taking care of myself, so did my body. A deep, cruel, never ending pain, eating up every bit of energy I might have found in myself. I didn’t have the force to think about others. All my awake time was spent on me me me, my pain and my will to vanish.

Selfless, because I truly believed my loved ones would benefit from me not being a burden anymore. I knew they’d be sad at first, and shocked, but in the long run, it was a definite win/win solution for all of us.

One night, I sat in my living room with my pills and a bottle of tequila.

With my tendency to write about everything, I thought I would have written long touching letters to everybody I loved. But I didn’t. Not one. About the long lasting pain before that day, I had written tons of poems and thoughts. But about the hows and whys, I stayed silent. I didn’t appologize, probably because I didn’t feel that people would disagree with my decision… If I had written something, it would have been something like “Good bye, now you’re free from the responsability of this useless being that rotted the heart of our family/circle of friends…”

At that moment, I would have died (HA HA!) for open arms, wrapping themselves around me, and a warm voice telling me “I love you, stay one more day!” I wanted to cry for help. I had to keep myself from the computer, not to write a tragic post on Facebook, chancing that someone  might catch me at the last minute. I so hoped someone would save me.

And at the same time, I had always told myself that I would never cry wolf if I came that far down. I would never be the girl that attempted to commit suicide. I would, or I wouldn’t, but I wouldn’t go cry about it at friends’ front doors. I didn’t want pity. I didn’t deserve pity.

I wanted help, but I didn’t want to ask for it. Puzzle.

I stared at the pills for hours. I cried untill my body couldn’t anymore… I reminded myself about all the bad things there were about me, how relieved everybody would be.

I stared a little more… Hoping I’d dose things just right so I wouldn’t get sick and vomit…

I went for it!

I picked up the phone and I called “Prévention Suicide”…

A nice man answered, and I didn’t know what to say. I sobbed, and sobbed, and whined, thinking it didn’t count as a failure since he didn’t know me. We talked for hours… And slowly but surely, he made me realize that surviving the worst night of my life would be a victory in itself. And that for that matter, anything, good or bad, I’d do from now on could only be considered an improvement.

He didn’t mind me being drunk, he didn’t mind me being lost.

He listened until we agreed I should go to bed and sleep on it.

I live with the scars of that period of my life every day, but I wouldn’t change a thing, if I had the chance to do so. Because it made me who I am now.

So you might understand a little better why I rage about the people who speak lightly about depression…

 

38 thoughts on “To death and back…”

    1. Thank you! I don’t like talking about that period of my life, because I don’t want to look like I am looking for pity… but I felt it was necessary to share… If it can help but one person…

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      2. I feel this was very important and I sent to a good friend who suffers from depression. Thank you. To understand the difference between being depressed for one day or week, and having blackness covering every day that won’t leave, for whatever reason, is difficult for people, for me. I think I’ve got it, and then I still feel like I can help them. This post is a good explanation.

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      3. Thank you, dear Bag Lady! For your good words and for sharing it with your friend!

        This kind of pain is very unique and personal to everyone suffering from it, but I think talking about it can bring some people out of the closet. Out of the silence… And give them some hope.

        At least I hope so…

        *Big hugs*

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  2. You my (new) friend are so brave…terribly courageous and just plain awesome for sharing your story. These are the things that help people. These moments of devastatingly raw honesty change people’s lives and help end the shame so many people carry. Those of us who have lived through or with mental illness in any way shape or form need to stop being ashamed or embarrassed and speak proudly about what we have over-come, or deal with daily. I think you should be proud of this post and I hope you never delete it. ❤ hugs to you.

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    1. Oh Nikki, thank you so much for your kind words! I was truly terrified to post this very intimate period of my life. But I am hoping it can help in some way… Like a hope bottle thrown in the sea. I honestly think I spent a night staring into Death’s eyes, and if I could resist its charms in times of pure dispair… Any one can 🙂 Big hugs and thanks again 🙂

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  3. @Dave; It is indeed great therapy, and I’ll make sure to visit your Blog… Thanks again for your visit and your comments 🙂 It is greatly appreciated!

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  4. You are so brave and, although you might not think it, an inspiration for all those battling with severe depression, anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. Thank you for putting your heart and soul out there and writing such a raw, honest and profoundly moving post. Hugs to you. xo

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    1. Thank you Miriam, it is relieving to get good feed back for this post. It was a bit nerve wracking to talk about this, because people are still very quick to judge when it comes to mental issues when they haven’t experienced it or if they never had friends or family go through it… That’s why I felt it was necessary to bring out the raw reality that happens behind closed curtains… Truly hoping it can help at least one lost soul… If I could make it back to an overall happy life, so can anyone!

      Big hugs to you 🙂

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  5. Oh my! This was so well written – thought perhaps it was fiction…but then I knew it was true. I felt your pain. I’ve never been able to talk about my dark encounters. I’ve had a few. But this is the one time I took it into my blog. Maybe I’ll get more honest like you. I was amazed at how common our experiences are:

    Life seems so hopeless….but is it?

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    1. Thank you for sharing Debbie! It is indeed difficult to decide adressing such an intimate and dramatic moment in one’s life. The mix of emotions is so confusing for one brain to process. I think we would be surprised to learn how many people around us have lived similar experiences… Big hugs to you 🙂

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      1. I appreciate your feedback. I’ve ran a few dialogues thru my head, relieving a few other times I was so despondent….I’m so grateful I found myself and purpose to keep living! I now have two adorable grandsons. They make the world a better place!

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  7. Thank you for not deleting this post. I recognize a lot of myself in what you wrote. I’ve been battling my depression for decades but only recently got an official diagnosis and treatment. It’s a damned struggle every single day.

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    1. No one can truly say they know what you are going through, Paul, since this is an extremely intimate experience… But I hope that knowing that others have been in a similar situation will help sooth the pain on the bad days… Come back and wave if you need to talk it out, my comment box will always be open for you 🙂 Stay strong, and take things one day at a time…

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  8. You are so incredibly strong. Although i have never been formally diagnosed i can relate a lot with what you’ve written here. It has been around 5 to 6 years that i’ve been struggling to get by. It really is something tough that most people don’t really understand.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words! The fear of being judged is keeping so many people from talking openly. It is terribly sad! And unfortunately, even in 2016, speaking out loud still leads to stigmatization…. Keep strong, and thanks again for passing by 🙂

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  9. This is an incredible and brave post. Thank you so much for sharing. I too get frustrated when people down play depression or anxiety, or any mental illness. They don’t understand what so many of us go through and how we go day by day, living and improving and sometimes just feeling really low. I love that you say you wouldn’t change anything about the past, because it has made you who you are. I also feel the same way about my past. Had I not grown up around certain things or gone through my life the way it was, I wouldn’t be the person I am right now. Sure it isn’t always fun dealing with anxiety or explaining why I feel the way I do, but I am happiest now than I have ever been. So again, thank you for sharing your story. xo

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  11. My husband is dealing with depression that is caused physically (substance abuse) and emotionally (grief.) He’s been struggling on and off with it his whole life because of his childhood. He’s done a lot of running away and masking (thus the substances,) but for the last 6 months, he’s been mostly sober (comparatively.) He has good days and bad days and I wish there was something I could do to help him. I would like to see him get professional help, but he doesn’t believe that anyone who hasn’t gone through what he has could help him. He also fears stigmatization. He thinks he’ll never get a job or anything like that if he does. I pray for him every day that he would find the freedom that I have in my faith, but he ridicules me for it and doesn’t want any part of it. Any suggestions?

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    1. Hi Michelle… Mental distress of all kinds are such complicated and delicate matters, I feel for you and all the great people supporting loved ones that suffer. It must be such a burden, and I can understand the helplessness you must experience. At my worst, although I really wanted help, I believed it was useless and not for the best, and I refused a lot of reached out hands…. I’ll contact you in private, since this is very intimate… I am only an expert on what I lived through, but I’ll try to give you some tips, if only to understand some of your husband’s reactions to reality… Stay strong, and thank you SO much for writing… We don’t read often enough about the people like you, trying to help hurting souls!

      Big hugs!!

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  12. I found you through Nikki’s A Kinder Way meet and greet. Thank you for sharing this incredibly personal account of your experience. Depression is hard and often misunderstood. Thanks for your courage and bravery.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words 🙂 Depression is a very complex matter, and I hesitated a lot before posting it, but seeing the feedback I get, I realize it was a good thing to do 🙂

      I’m happy you visited the Cove, you’ll always be welcome here 😉

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  14. I’m so glad that you didn’t delete this post, reading this makes me realise that I’m not the only one, what you went through reading it makes my heart break. I wish I could be there for you, simply just hug you when you need it, thank you for being there for me, it really means alot to me and the same goes for you, if you ever want anyone to talk to please talk to me, and thank you so much for writing this, it must’ve been hard for you, but the way you wrote it, I could relate to so much and this post has really helped, I hope you know that. Thank you so much, I wish I could help someone the way you’ve helped me, you really are amazing.

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    1. I am really glad this post talked to you… I had a feeling it would, when I left you the link. Those dark days are behind me now, and I hope you’ll get better soon… Again, if you ever feel the need, just drop me a note, it will be a pleasure to talk 🙂

      My door is always open… Big *Hugs* again 🙂

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      1. Thank you so much, knowing that you got better and got through the pain helps me, it also gives me hope that I can make it through this. And thank you, I won’t hesitate to send u a message when I need to talk. ☺

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  16. This is very touching and also empowering. You made it through and I’m so glad for the existence of the person you reached when you reached out. And this is why I think internet can be a dangerous place to go when depression has one in its claws: “I was looking for any approval to let go. Any. The slightest comment or joke, pointing out how not good I would have been at that time, I would have taken as a proof I needed to end my life.”

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